Ananya ,
Time and space put us here today , from where ,I write my words for you and try to place them with the same sequence of time , space , you and me . I do it , so we our story may be beyond the question of mortality and immortality . My words are never of my one sole entity . It has a root within me for the journey through time and space . Either these words are to destinied to you or to destinationed to you . Whatever , may be the ending or starting , these are all ultimate to and for you , you and only you .
Like a commet , you came to me and showed the hidden man in the mirror within me and might be gone too soon . But in this paradoxical certainity and uncertainity , life and death - who am I to mark the time as soon or later or even never ?
I feel myself to be confused to think about you . Yes , I exactly love you , the way you loved me . Our love has an entity . But what is that entity ?
I know really nothing and just nothing .
But very pathetically , I really feel the big problem , when people ask me these ways ........
1) Why am I not marrying someone?
2) Why am I not fixing my own family?
3) Who will care for me in future, if I do not have any wife ?
I feel myself to be the highest level of stupid, when I can not clear anything at all about my standing . Might be in our indian society people feel greater interest on others , when they need to concentrate on own .
I neverever asked them ,
1) Why should I marry someone , if I am attached to other ?
2) Why should I go for the experimental family , where I am least interested ?
3) Why should I marry someone for only taking my care , when I know myself to be least caring her ?
Though I prefer to choose the right to choose and this option in our society is not so available . I thought my case to be an exeptional one and it was not really .
After WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO ? EPISODES 3 BY MICHAEL SANDEL , I felt my choice to confused again . How drammatic is my words in reality and what is the ultimate reality ?
Still in our Indian society , suggestions are free and anyone can give it , as most of the people are trendy to be with tradition , without knowing the reality . Every things are scheduled here – either by the society or by the self instincts . In Eastern culture , we are trending to own the object and we overlook on the self instict to be the subject of own life .
Love , attraction , attachment and finally right to live with personal view – all are less valued here than religion , caste , tradition and culture .
Without any judgement , people here like to follow the past generations and to be followed by the next generations .
Whatever , leave it . Let’s come to our point . You know me the best way to be a bit of different and difficult one to drive in the common way regularly . You got me , as you were not among those common , who tried to judge me every day with their logic and concept , that they inherited from their illogical , monotonus , and valueless situations and society .
I was never air dropped from Mars , and they were not blunt . But they forgot that , they were not my judge .
But for you , I was one of the easiest one to drive , if I am realized somehow . You realized me in a straightway and that is the real why , I want you all the ways – both physically and psychologically . I want to have you to get me lost into your deepest and from that deepest , I want you to rediscover me again as the way you want me every day . I feel myself to be changed from time to time and one who can not experience that change , is not a living being to me . I love you like a living one , as my perspective of love for you is being changed with time and space .
And this is my biggest conflict , “ why should I want to have you again , when I am almost covered by you ? “
And this phrase , “ want to have you “- is not only sound like so called social terminology , but it makes me standing before my dualistic entity .
So any how did I lose you or the way I got you within me – is not right ?
Certainly I am conflicted and I need a conclusive point , from where I can say “ yes Ananya , I love you so much and I got you that way , that I would not need to have you anymore at all in a newer way , as I am already rooted within you “ .
I am exactly that one , whom you discovered with all your heartiest feelings and you made me feeling to be like the way I am . You did not teach me anything – but you only showed me a personality , that I was searching for within you wih your entity .
And that is why , I love you and you are so special to me .
You sheltered me even after knowing my past , where I had so many relationships before you came to my life .
Apart from psychology , we are disconnected technically and its gonna be for almost 10 years and during these ten years , I told so many girls that I loved her , I wanted her – many responded me very well . This is not a very hard job – and during these days , I never thought to be far from you , even when I slept with others .
You know that , meeting so many girls , sleeping with them –is very common to me and I never thought them to hide anything about me to you , except theirculture Even today I meet many girls , I sleep with them . But in every case , I never forgot to mention them , “ Might be , I love you today but never for yesterday and might not be for tomorrow , as I have my own steady girl friend to think about . "
I also told them the reality , “ you are very beautiful and surely you have a good mind too , my time with you is great , but I am not the one, whom you can tackle for a long time , rather as the time will go on , you would discover me to be more and more irritating one , monotonus , illogical one “ .
This is the strength of your love . whatever I do or not – I am driven by you . You know me the most , to speak very clearly about what I am or not . Just caring for someone , sleeping with someone and making responsibilities for someone – is nothing more than occupying any asset to me . These are not the point of love to me at all .
All these are structured and the love is abstract . So how can one form a structure for what is abstract in reality ?
Love and bonding are unconditional . I just can not expect anything from here . If I get something , that is gift . I love you without any expectation . I love you today as the way I did yesterday and may be tomorrow I will be changed .
This changing is not abstract and crime . It is a reality . Physics is yet discover any starting point or ending point of space . It is a journey – What is left , that is true and what , I am having that is also true and the future will also be true . Just we are being converted from subject to object and from object to subject . If something is fixed to eternal – that is the moment . For you and for me , that moment is the most valuable gift , that we exchanged with each other.
Physical relation is a part of life and I never repent as we could not go for that . You are not with me socially and physically . But so what ?
It is not mandatory to marry for loving someone . It is the stigma of our society , where the parents and relatives set a couple , make them married , lead them sexual activities to make next generations and next whatever happens , is called family bonding , sacrifice , compromise , traditional culture , social structure etc .
That could be a society and I believe it to be fake . we came closer within this so called society , we loved each other being within this system . If that system was the supreme , how could we come closer ? How could we love each other ?
I feel myself to be conflicted , when Someone asks me , “ if I love you that way , then why should I go to others for physical needs and when I go to others , then why should I think of you , when you have no physical presense here ?”
You told me many times to love a girl and marry her . If I could love another and could marry her and if it could make you happy – what could be better for me and you ?
You could be relaxed to think about my so called certain family and I could be the same to gift you , that you wanted from me .
After you , I loved many girls . But the concept of the marriage is not good to me . People here marry for whole life . If they can love each other , that is fine. But I want to marry and divorce and then marry and again divorce- typically it could be the same girl .
Shaw compared the marriege with the legal prostitution . I am not that great "Shaw" . But I think a marriege without regular attraction and love between the couple is nothing but a slavery .
But for me it is not possible at all to stay with someone with typical adjustment for life time . I like to stay married if everything is fine – and if there is one conflict , I want divorce . Actually this is conditional and I never applied this thinking on you , as I love you and pure love is unconditional . It is unconditional with the parameter of time , as we are living entity and it is changed as per the time .
I know myself to sound crazy , but it is me and I hate any kind of falsified concept . Neither I am born to be slave nor I am here enslave anyone . If you love me , then you love me all the ways and if you hate me , do it all the ways .
Actually love and relationship are not place to compromise and sacrifice . If the love is pure , there would be no compromise and sacrifice – these are mental state of being deprived and it can only felt , when someone is in dealing mode . Love is not the product to deal .
Otherwise a mother could not be mother , if her joy was not more than her physical pain . Same thing happens to our normal life . Sense of compromise , sacrifice and adjustment comes , only when are to gain . love is not to gain something at all . It is a habit to serve .
.
I know myself to be like crazy and quite irrelevant to others . But my concept of love and family is totally based on my experience and psychology .
You know and feel the sufferings , those were faced by me throughout the days , and from there , I just can not do that what I like to avoid .
Love is not a contract paper , family is not a office and we do love , make family to live , but we never live only to love and make social family .
My mother committed suicide at her 21 and technically a suicide is kind of murder . A person is killing the self . So one is killing and the other is being killed . Now my question is how and why the killer entity turns so strong to kill the other entity within self ?
It is situation that is driven by the time , place and other persons . I was , am and will remain detached mentally from my father . Whatever I did or tried for my father , that is never for any relationship , but due to the sense of humanity . I do not care for him as my father at all – I just care for a person , whom my mother married and I hate that some person , who has pushed my mother to suicide .
I speak very frankly , had my mother all the ways opened to divorce , might be she would not suicide , rather kick out that bastard with falsified social life and I could have a better life .
So love and relationship differs from time to time and from person to person . I do not really want any one as my wife to be experimented by me and making such a family where I can not be attached totally . It is a crime to me .
I never want any girl to suicide like my mother , I never want to be a father like my own father . I hate him in reality . I never want a child to face the life , that was faced by me .
I told you about my first girl friend , whom I loved most . Even today I remember her and if she calls me , might be I would respond as just a human being , but not as a lover . To you , I focused so many positive moves of her and I never feel to be left by her at any way . She contributed a lot in my life . But it never means that I will love her the same way , I will love you . I do not know my future , but you are my present and she is my past . She can be my present too if her entity can beat your entity .
A person can not care for two different persons and characters at the same time in the same way .
Now I feel you the way , I am doing now – it is not ultimately possible for me to love any other unconditionally .
You know me well. I can not make myself a cheap and cheater to my own entity . You know the value of my commitment .
I know you to be saddened after reading it and might be , you would repent for loving me and blame yourself for my life like vagabond .
But I am not that . I am enjoying my life to love you , to feel you and to have you this way , we are destinied . And this is reality . Reality seems to harsh , but it is fresh . My love for you is like my entity . Not just divinity and not just reality . I love you the way , like a fighter does fight without knowing the aim . You are not my aiming point . I love you as I love to love you and it is my habit .
Do not feel sorry for me . I am not carrying you , rather I am being carried by you from my inner instinct .
May be , I am degrading other girls – But you should be logical . Other girls are very good and really outstanding from their standing .
But the way you came to me and made me forgetting the world , they are just unable to make me forgetting about you .
But if they just can not that , what you could do on me – that is neither their fault or crime from them and nor my responsibility also , to accept something as truth , what is not at all in reality .
You told me to forget you – do not be worried . I must forget you if someone can make me forgetting you . All the ways , life is not romantic . May be possible that , someday I will forget you due to a dieses or an accident .
I feel myself to be like a little iron particle to be moving to you , as you are the biggest magnet before me . If some one comes like a bigger magnet than you , then even unknowingly I will be moving to her .
And until it happens , let me be happy with you , the way we are destined to our neverland .
Your’s
CHOCOLATE
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